THE VIEW FROM HEREWE must all spare a thought during this festive season for the gallant men and women who deliver our post. Life is not easy for them, particularly at this time of year.
But when is it ever easy being a postman? A truly terrible blow was dealt to their image when Postman Pat appeared on the scene 30 years ago.
Ever since then, generations of children have grown up believing postmen are cat-loving soppies who wear geeky specs and have only three fingers on each hand.
The Postman Pat industry does nothing to dispel this image.
There are numerous videos available, recounting the adventures of this noticeably dim goody-goody. Among the titles are Postman Pat In a Muddle and Postman Pat Misses the Show. See, I told you he was stupid.
What with being branded as daft-headed goons who can’t even turn up to the panto on time, our postmen must curse every time the wretched Pat appears. His black-and-white cat, Jess, is no better, always mewing along beside him like a milksop, whereas a proper mog would climb out of that stupid van and immediately set about murdering fluffy little robins.
And what does Postman Pat do when he’s not in a muddle or missing shows? Postman Pat Paints the Ceiling, that’s what. Oh hold on, Postman Pat Takes the Bus. After he’s watched the paint dry, presumably.
All this would naturally incite rebellion and brooding in the heart of any red-blooded postie. How can they be rid of Pat’s nauseating image?
Happily, a chink of light has appeared in the whole dreary scenario. Postmen have been warned about infringing the new Bribery Act by accepting tips of more than £30. That’s more like it!
Gangsters, dark-alley deals, the possibilities are endless. Postman Pat Takes a Bung followed by Postman Pat Gets Banged Up would be a definite improvement on painting the ceiling. Unfortunately, this exciting new Al Capone image may be short-lived. It seems excessive tips might tempt the postman into doing favours, such as "agreeing to deliver somebody’s mail before their neighbour’s." Oh dear.
Thanks to the 31 quid in his pocket, Postman Pat Gets to Granny Dryden a Full Five Minutes before Pitching Up at Julia Pottage’s Letterbox.
I can only presume it was desperation that made the Royal Mail put stickers on their vans, reading Limited to 70mph. The clear implication is that, were it not for those tiresome legal restraints (also responsible for that party-pooping Bribery Act), our postmen would be driving like complete maniacs, wheels skidding, tyre-rubber burning, oblivious to anything in their path.
On the Island, of course, you can’t do 70mph anyway, because the roads are rubbish and covered in potholes and temporary traffic lights. Postman Pat’s Van Sits in a Queue of Traffic.
Still, wait until the council’s PFI has sorted that out.
Then we’ll see our postmen in their true colours, belting along at a reckless 69mph in a desperate bid to pick up a £29 tip from the Rev Timms.
A lock hanging down? That was really rather daring, your majesty
VISITORS to Osborne House may view Queen Victoria in a new light, following revelations about the portrait she commissioned as a surprise 24th birthday present for her husband.
Prince Albert may well have been surprised when he unwrapped his presie and saw the overtly sexual nature of his wife’s pose. He considered it so daring he kept the picture in his private writing-room at Windsor Castle and didn’t let anybody else see it.
Painted by Franz Xaver Winterhalter in 1843, the portrait will feature in an ambitious new BBC radio series exploring items in the royal collection and the stories behind them.
Looking at this particular picture, the story seems to be that Queen Victoria was after all, if not an actual trollop, then certainly up for a bit of fun.
There’s a definite lolling look about it, while the eyes and mouth are clearly telling Albert to stop fiddling about with his project on the Osborne drains and just get on with it.
Desmond Shawe-Taylor, surveyor of the Queen’s pictures, has a theory about what makes the portrait so alluringly saucy.
"What’s fascinating is that it is achieved by one thing only, simply letting one lock of hair down," he says.
As a tribute to Queen Victoria and her close connection to the IW, perhaps we should all try letting one lock of hair down. It could sex-up the Island no end. Hairdressers could do a special Christmas deal on creating the Victoria effect.
Actually, hold that idea. In fact, scrap it altogether.
You have to be very careful about letting one lock of hair down.
Victoria got away with it but others have been less successful. Hitler, for instance.