THE VIEW FORM HERE
IT is open season for gunning MPs, though most of them have escaped the fate of being put in a book compiled by Bendor Grosvenor and Geoffrey Hicks of the 40 worst members of Parliament in history.
This hugely entertaining catalogue of some of the ghastliest rotters ever to represent their unfortunate constituents is entitled Crap MPs.
I apologise for the language. Blame Messrs Grosvenor and Hicks. Actually, don’t blame them — there’s no other way to describe this lot.
Crap MPs are nothing new. Although this book includes contemporary politicians, such as Sir Peter "Duck House" Viggers, Hazel Blears and John Prescott, our representatives have always been prone to greed, scandal and incompetence.
Several have also been bonkers, including John "Mad Jack" Fuller, MP in the late 18th and early 19th centuries. This Eton-educated supporter of slavery was a terrific drunk and on one occasion tottered awash with alcohol into the House, where he "too audibly mistook the Speaker for an owl in an ivy bush".
Two centuries later, we’d have done far better to have had an owl in an ivy bush than Speaker Michael Martin, who has secured his place in this book with a mixture of obfuscation, incompetence and outrageous claims for taxi fares. He’s now in the Lords, of course.
Such are the hordes of crap MPs, it is quite an achievement to be among this 40-strong band of top rubbish. And, yes, the Isle of Wight has managed it, with Robert Carteret, MP for Yarmouth from 1744 to 1747.
"He was completely mad," the authors tell us. He once stayed with the Duke and Duchess of Bedford, where he went to the stables during the night and hacked off all the horses’ ears. Covered in blood, he then appeared in his hosts’ bedroom and presented them with the severed bits.
There is no record of our man ever speaking in debates and he "seems to have figured out how to vote only once, in 1746".
He spent most of his time wandering aimlessly in St James’s Park, although he did manage to get married, to a woman described as "of vile extraction, bold, loose and vulgar".
So stop moaning. As you look at the ballot paper in a few weeks’ time, you may think they’re all crap candidates.
But things have improved since Robert Carteret was an Island representative. Not a lot, admittedly.
Still, let’s be thankful for what we’ve got. I think most of our election hopefuls are probably safe with horses.
That’s made me crochet-y
MY recommendation during the freezy time on the Island that we should take up homely, creative pursuits, such as embroidery and knitting, has had mixed results.
I have received reports of excellent progress in some areas, with needles dashing along and keen attention being paid to careful seam-joining and buttonhole technique.
But there’s always one, isn’t there? Somebody who has to come and spoil it for everybody else.
Back in the school sewing class, there would be the clown who stuck her pins on the teacher’s chair instead of using them to make a nice straight hem. Or that tiresome boy who defaced his book by making the Shorter Latin Primer into the Shortbread Eating Primer.
Now I have evidence of subversion in the Island’s crochet set. As you will see from the accompanying picture, someone has been very silly and has wasted everybody’s time and quite a lot of wool by fooling about.
I am told the culprit is a woman of high standing on the Island, who should certainly know better, and if anyone can make a positive identification, please let me know.
In the meantime, my message to her is clear. It’s not funny and it’s not clever, and nobody else is laughing. Now, everybody, back to your crochet hooks at once. We’re behind with those doilies.