THE VIEW FROM HEREBRITAIN has donated 42 million condoms after a warning 40,000 prostitutes are expected to descend on the football World Cup this summer. South Africa expects half a million visitors to the cup and has requested an extra one billion condoms. That’s 2,000 per visitor in less than a month.
I had no idea the sight of 11 blokes booting a ball around for 90 minutes had such aphrodisiac effects but I implore the IW to take note. If penalty kicks and offside decisions can arouse in spectators the urge to avail themselves of the services of a prostitute, what on earth will happen at our Island Games next year?
We’re not just talking football. We will, of course, be hosting football matches, and that means we’ll require prostitutes and condoms, but the problem is far greater than that.
I shudder to envisage the erotic thoughts whipped up by a Gotland-Orkney tie in the beach volleyball. Or archery. Oh, my goodness, can you imagine what will happen after Sark competes in the archery? Testosterone overload, that’s what. Urges.
I’m sorry to be candid but we must be realistic. Prince Edward Island will be on their way and there’s golf on the schedule. Recipe for disaster unless we’re prepared with prostitutes and condoms, just like South Africa.
We must have a radical rethink. There was an awful hoo-ha when a pole-dancing club was proposed in Newport but I’m afraid pole-dancing won’t cover what we’ll need after our visitors have watched Gibraltar playing table tennis.
The council must act immediately. There may be PFI funding available. Find out. Now.
New charity event could be murder
 |
| Guests enjoy the IW Council chairman's Valentine's night ball — something darker is being planned. |
FOLLOWING his Valentine’s night ball, IW Council chairman Arthur Taylor is organising another charity event. Is this wise?
The ball, intended to be an occasion of romance and loveliness, ended up in acrimony, swearing, sobbing, vile allegations, and reports to the Standards Committee. Now Cllr Taylor has announced his forthcoming "Evening of Murder and Mystery".
I can only think he is intent on finishing everybody off.
After the hideous mayhem engendered by St Valentine, an evening of murder and mystery will surely result in total political apocalypse for the Island.
A more appropriate choice of statues
HULL council is to spend £200,000 on 65 giant fibreglass toads, to be displayed at various locations around the city for ten weeks later this year, commemorating the 25th anniversary of the death of Philip Larkin.
The poet was librarian at Hull University and the statues will be a reminder of his poem Toads, which begins, "Why should I let the toad work/Squat on my life?"
Predictably, a row has erupted, with Hull’s Labour MP accusing the LibDem council of a "scandalous misuse of taxpayers’ money, especially in these harsh economic times."
These are also times when many children are suffering within their homes, with social workers and other supposedly caring agencies failing to intervene.
While I am all for arts projects, I am not sure 65 toads, at more than £3,000 apiece, is a particularly useful way of commemorating Larkin. Toads is, in any case, far less well known (and none too relevant for those unemployed people who would be only too pleased to have some work) than his This Be The Verse, which is truly a poem for our times.
"They **** you up, your mum and dad" (substitute "uncle/stepfather/Mum’s bit of rough" as appropriate) is a perfect summary of what is occurring in too many homes.
I don’t suppose Hull’s record on caring and protection is any worse or better than others. But the council might get more sympathy if it commissioned statues of victims such as Maria Colwell, Victoria Climbie and, most recently, Khyra Ishaq, starved to death by her mother and boyfriend, and erected them outside the agencies whose responsibility it is to intervene before any more children are ****ed up.