Notes from the wrong Island. The BBC mistook us for the Irish Sea’s Isle of Man.
THE VIEW FROM HERE
AN insolent article about the Isle of Wight has appeared in the Isle of Man Examiner.
As yet the insolence is at a fairly low level, perhaps merely necessitating the summoning of the Isle of Man’s Lieutenant Governor, Sir Paul Haddacks, to County Hall for a dressing down by our council’s chairman, Arthur Taylor, ("Haddacks, enough of this insolence, understood?") but we must continue to monitor this situation lest gunboats are required.
The article appeared after a BBC Breakfast News report about VAT on the Manx isle being hiked up and jeopardising public services was captioned "Live from the Isle of Wight."
The Isle of Man, which had feared the VAT bill was for them, advised their readers, "Panic over, folks!" The £140 million tax demand would actually be coming over here. "That’s a quarter of the IW’s revenue. It must be a very worrying time for the islanders there," they added patronisingly.
They proceeded to provide a comparison of the two islands, putting in the boot straight away with a smug financial overview. "The Isle of Man is solvent and has no debts ... The IW is part of the UK, which has national debts estimated at £2.2 trillion." They then insinuated we haven’t been able to book any decent music acts for decades. "The Who performed at the IW Festival in 1970. The Who performed at the Peel Bay Festival in 2007." And really below the belt: "The Isle of Man is famous for its ancient parliament. The IW is famous for its fossils."
They claimed their most famous resident as Jeremy Clarkson, while ours is "Mark King, lead singer and bassist for 1980s band Level 42." A slight hint of fossilisation rudery there, too. Well, Isle of Man, our Mark is only a couple of years younger than your Jeremy, and at least he doesn’t talk like a Neanderthal male or burn up the planet with his carbon emissions.
All in all, a very unsatisfactory situation, and we shall certainly require an apology from the Isle of Man before they come here for the 2011 Island Games. Yes, we’re talking to you, mates, with your funny cats, and your noisy motorbikes, and that Jeremy Clarkson. Oh, and you’ve also got Ronnie Ronalde, apparently famous for whistling. Pathetic! We’ve got Ellen MacArthur and Alan Titchmarsh, you know.
That’s made you feel pretty small, hasn’t it? Now, just wheel Haddacks round here, and we might possibly forgive you.
What’s wrong with settling light to the Christmas tree?
SHORTLY after David Cameron attacked Labour’s "over the top" health and safety culture, the European Commission issued a fearful warning about Christmas lights.
It seems that all that twinkly stuff is quite likely to set off untold electrical disasters, especially if it comes from Hungary or China.
David Cameron warned against the assumption that we "have a right to a risk-free life", so maybe he’ll get his kicks from the unexpected pop and sizzle into darkness of one of his fairy lights.
That’s nothing, though. My mother, who took a disgracefully cavalier attitude to health and safety, used to perch real candles on our Christmas tree.
Inevitably candles got lower, the tree got drier, the clip bits went wonky, and then something caught fire. Once it was the back of my uncle’s jacket as he stood declaiming some guff in front of the tree.
The night lights around the homemade crib (Mum liked lots of straw and little cellophane windows in the stable) posed a similar hazard.
There was one awful but memorable year when the entire Holy Family went whooshing up in flames, Mary, Joseph, Jesus, plus sundry angels, sheep, shepherds and kings.
Please, please, do not try this at home. Candles are bad, do you hear? Particularly on trees and mangers.
Still, I must say they stopped my uncle banging on and that, we thought, was just brill.