THE VIEW FROM HERE HEAVENS, what is this bright stuff that has suddenly appeared before my eyes? Whoa there, are you trying to blind me?
Oh, it’s just daylight. Up until today, when I have been forced off the sofa to write this, I have seen nothing of the outside world ever since I sat down to watch Danny Boyle’s extravaganza.
I almost fled outside when Sir Paul started to sing but I managed to stick it out as he lurched his way through his party piece. Bless. It would have been like abandoning the old folks’ concert to have turned him off.
After that it’s been Olympics all the way. I’ve watched sports I never knew existed.
Taekwondo. What’s that all about? Nope, I’ve no idea but I watch it anyway.
And sailing. I’m never too sure who’s in the lead but aren’t those little boats cute? And it turned out our Ben was in the lead. Hurrah!
I’m mad about the trampolining, too. They bounce terrifically high, don’t they?
As for Jessica, well, that was just marvellous. I bounced quite high on my sofa when she did all those clever things, chucking javelins and jumping and running all over the place.
I love it when they jump and run at the same time. Hurdling. That’s it. See, I’ve even picked up the lingo.
The only thing missing from the Olympics has been a significant Island presence. Apart, of course, from now Nottingham-based canoeist Richard Jefferies.
We can, of course, claim Shirley Robertson, who has been a splendid commentator at the sailing events, but you don’t get medals for commentating. Shirley would have won gold if they did.
I wouldn’t have given anything to Matt Baker for his gymnastic spiel, though. More bouncy than one of my trampolinists but no discipline. You have to have discipline if you bounce, and do elegant somersaults. Matt was utterly out of control.
Anyway, who is to blame for the low showing of Island representatives at these Olympics? It is, undoubtedly, the council.
I realised this when my attention was drawn to a recent article in the Daily Mail (I always have to emphasise that "my attention was drawn" to the Daily Mail, in case anybody thinks I might have seen this travesty of a newspaper via my own free will) in which we were made to look not just absurd but chromosomally challenged.
The Mail had a right old snigger at the council’s questionnaire about super-fast broadband, in which IW residents are asked "Which of the following describes how you think of yourself. Male? Female? In another way?" and "Have you ever taken, or are you undertaking, gender reassignment?"
This story is not actually new. The council has been prying into these personal matters for years. You have only to inquire about the next refuse collection day and they’ll demand if you’re dodgy on the gender front.
The Mail may have only just caught up with it, but I bet everyone else has noticed. Particularly Lord Coe. He came to the Island Games last year and met several IW councillors.
They may well have asked him if he was undertaking gender reassessment and at that point we were doomed.
Lord Coe, adamant the Olympics should be above suspicion, would have returned to London and told them on no account to accept any Island competitors.
"We can’t risk a scandal," he’d have said.
"Nobody on the IW seems to know whether they’re male or female. The council has to keep asking them."
You see? All the council’s fault.
I shall not forget this at next year’s elections.
In the meantime, I’m off to my sofa again. Men’s Greco-Roman wrestling. Yipee!
An apology for a severe misjudgment on my part
READERS may have been misled by a recent article in this paper in which I possibly insinuated that Mr Simon Haytack was a young man who ought to get out more rather than spending his time in parish council meetings and worrying about the IW economy.I now realise this was a severe misjudgment on my part and Mr Haytack is a complete genius, the very essence of gilded youth and a geography student who is destined for greatness and possibly immortality.
Had I looked at Mr Haytack’s Facebook page, I should never have denigrated this marvellous young man.
I furthermore realise the reason I wasted my own youth on pleasure and parties instead of joining parish councils was because I chose inappropriate role models, such as Alice Cooper and Sid Vicious.
I now discover Mr Haytack, by contrast, nominates as his own favourite inspirational person none other than the nation’s gorgeous superhero, Ed Miliband.
I apologise for any confusion or distress I may have caused and hope Ed Miliband will continue to inspire Mr Haytack for many years to come.