MALCOLM MIME WRITES: I have never really thought of myself as an Agony Uncle before, but this week I received a letter asking me for help. I guess the writer, who I shall call Bob, sees me as the voice of reason — he’s right, of course. Here is the letter followed by my advice.

Dear Malcolm, I am writing to ask your advice. Back in February 2016 I was thinking of divorcing my partner, so I went to see a divorce lawyer. The lawyer, who incidentally was very keen to come across as ‘one of lads’ and insisted that I call him Dave, advised me to give it some proper thought before making any rash decisions, and told me to come back and see him in the June. I did what Dave asked, and after much consideration, I went back and saw him on June 23 of that year, and told him I definitely wanted the divorce. I knew I would be financially worse off, after all, who isn’t when they get divorced, but money isn’t everything, and I was adamant that I wanted out of the toxic relationship I was in — I wanted to take back control of my life and go on new adventures.

To my surprise, Dave informed me he didn’t actually believe in divorce, and ran out of the office never to be seen again. I was passed on to another partner in the firm, a lady called Theresa — I wondered if I should call her Terri, but she didn’t come across as being a particularly cool cat, so I decided against it. Mind you, she did seem to have a thing for kitten heels, but I digress. I was informed Theresa had the same view about divorce as Dave, which concerned me, but as I just wanted a quick end to my relationship, I trusted her to get on and do what I instructed.

I started to question that trust almost immediately. Despite me asking Theresa to get on with it, she waited nine months before even contacting the lawyers acting for my partner, and then she wasted another three months because of problems at her office — at one point it looked like her firm were going under, but they got some partners in from Northern Ireland which seemed to stabilise things. I then heard nothing at all for the next year or so, until a couple of weeks ago, when an 585-page report suddenly arrived from Theresa, setting out the terms she had finally negotiated with my partner’s lawyer.

Theresa has now summonsed me to see her in London this coming Tuesday so I can give her the go ahead on her deal. To be honest, I don’t understand much of what is in the report, especially the long-winded bit about a backstop — I always thought a backstop was the fielder in cricket that you had behind a dodgy wicketkeeper. From what I can make out, the terms of the divorce don’t give me a clean break from my partner, don’t allow me to forge new relationships with others, and actually allows my partner to make decisions on my behalf. This isn’t how I envisaged it would be but I am so fed up with the time it has taken, I feel I should just tell her to get on with it. While all the dilly-dallying has been going on, my relationship has gotten worse, and I have even been arguing with all my friends. They all tell me they are bored with hearing about my divorce. What do you think I should do?

Malcolm Mime writes: Well, Bob, you really do seem to be in a pickle. My advice to you is to remind Theresa of what you wanted in the first place, a clean divorce. As you mentioned, divorces always leave people financially worse off to start with, but you will no doubt build your wealth back up. This wishy-washy deal your lawyer has negotiated is certainly not what you wanted, and it sounds to me your lawyer knows this. It makes me wonder if she has put this dreadful deal together on purpose, so you actually end up staying with your partner — as you stated in your letter, Theresa, just like Dave, didn’t want you to get divorced in the first place. Even if you do tell Theresa to go ahead with these terms, I’m not convinced it will happen, and I wouldn’t be surprised if she didn’t come back to you yet again asking you to give it more thought. You’re being played, old son. We’re all being played.