A Johnny Depp lookalike pictured on the Island this summer.
THE VIEW FROM HEREHONESTLY, the things I do for you. Well, not all of you, admittedly. I realise there are some for whom I don’t do a lot (and be warned, I know who you are and where you live) but I’ve certainly been working overtime on behalf of those many people who have a fixation with Johnny Depp. So listen up, and be grateful. Thanks to me, the Island has, at last, the definitive answer on Depp.
We’ve been obsessed with the gorgeous superstar ever since the summer, when he was seen all over the Island — in a chocolate shop, a bookshop, a Ventnor hotel. He was photographed alongside delirious females.
The Island appeared to have acquired a fabulous new celebrity, great news not just for females who like to swoon but for anyone who needed a fete opened.
Then an element of doubt started to creep in. At the very time when Mr Depp was supposed to be smooching round the Island’s womenfolk, he was pictured in London. Could we have been duped?
I e-mailed Mr Depp’s agent, asking her to put our minds at rest. No reply. I stressed the urgency of the situation. Still nothing. Was the Island doomed to be in Depp-dilemma forever?
And then we were back on track. There had been strong rumours of Johnny buying a house on the Island and when the Hambrough Hotel, Ventnor, was featured in The Times last month, its chef, Robert Thompson, proudly delivered the glad tidings: "Johnny Depp just bought a place in Bonchurch."
Well! Let’s book a table at the Hambrough at once! We might find ourselves supping soup next to Mr Depp. Nice one, Robert!
And it wasn’t just nice for the chef, it was nice for everybody, because we’re a bit short of celebs at the moment and Johnny would come in really handy. Then, in this emotional rollercoaster of a story, a further cloud appeared on the horizon.
Asked in a BBC interview how he handled being so famous, Depp said: "I just don’t go out very much." I’m sorry, Johnny? You don’t go out very much? But we need you out!
We want you to come to all our events and cut ribbons and buy raffle tickets and give talks to the Rotary Club and turn on our Christmas lights, plus you have to pose with all the women on the Island and make them giddy. That means going out. It’s part of the deal if you’re a celeb with a house on the Island. Oh yes, and you’ll have to eat at the Hambrough quite a lot, because the chef gave you a mention in The Times.
Worse, Johnny never even referred to his Island connection in any of the many recent interviews he gave to the British media. I know he’s got some new film to promote, but still. Was he even aware he’d bought a house over here?
After a long and exhausting pursuit of the truth, I finally hooked up with his personal publicist. I begged her for answers. Was Johnny here in the summer? Has he bought a house on the Island? Her reply was terse: "Mr Depp does not have a house there, nor has he recently been there."
Right, that’s it. I don’t want to hear another word about Johnny Depp. I’ve been given the run-around by hysterical women, bookshop owners, film agents, PR companies and the cook. I’ve solved the mystery and now I’m Depp-free. If you hear any more rumours, you’ll have to track down that publicist yourself. Good luck. She’s kind of scary and I get the impression she’s heard enough from the IW.
Joanna will do instead
JOHNNY now being a no-no, we must obviously get ourselves a replacement celeb. My encounter with the Depp publicity machine has left me worn out and I really cannot think any further than Joanna Lumley.
Still, she’ll do, won’t she? She’s had rather a rough time lately. She used to be a saint but then the Gurkha thing went sour, with Aldershot complaining about her campaign, there was a hideously ill-timed television series about how lovely Greece is and finally she failed to get into the all-male Garrick Club. Gurkhas, Greece, Garrick. You’d think she’d have learned by now to avoid things beginning with a G.
You just come to the Island, Joanna, love. As long as you go out a lot, you’ll be very welcome. And you already keep a horse here, so you might as well buy a house as well. Join the WI. Open things. Best steer clear of the Garlic Festival, though.